Knitter Scarlet

Finally, here are the pics of my latest knitting projects which I promised you.

These are the French Knickers which will go with the Bellocq Stockings for my Wedding Anniversary. They are made in 100% Pure Silk and are gorgeous (note to myself, in future don't machine wash them as they come out very furry looking rather than smooth like silk). If I was to remake them I would make them slightly longer so that they would cover my bum more.

These are a fun pair of slippers which I made from the new knitting magazine which is out called "Let's Knit". It is a brilliant magazine with loads of trendy knitting patterns to make.

And finally, this is the machine knitted jumper I made for the latest order I received. I am still not sure about the neck, the customer stated a cross between a polo neck and a cowl neck. The polo neck wouldn't have stood up correctly, so went for the shallow cowl neck, I hope the customer is happy with it as there was a lot of work in it as I had to write the pattern myself and struggled to get the width on my knitting machine as I was limited to the 200 needles and had to knit it on Tension 10.. to get the maximum width (just about got there). I have yet to send the jumper out as with one thing and another I haben't been able to get to the post office, but will be posting it in the morning so will let you know whether she likes it or not (I hope she does as I haven't been paid for it yet). The picture is not a very good one as it is navy and a dark colour is never very good for taking pictures.

I am off to see "Sex and the City" tomorrow night with my little sis, so will post a review on it over the weekend, it is not really my type of film but my sister wants to see it and hasn't got anyone else to go with.

I know it is late and I should be sleeping, but after trying to sleep for two hours I decided to switch the computer back on and blog.

I plucked up the courage this morning and took a pregnancy test and it was a big fat negative (was expecting it really). It hit me really hard and I have been upset most of the day.

No matter how much I want to be pregnant, it never happens and I wish I knew why. I have been given the all clear fertility wise and the only reason for not getting pregnant we were given was hubby's low sperm count, it is low but not drastically so. You would think after trying for 11 years one lonely sperm would have made it to my egg and fertilised it successfully (and stayed pregnant longer than 6 weeks). I have had several miscarriages, all around the same time (6 weeks).

Why is it teenagers can get pregnant, rape victims can get pregnant (despite all the trauma) and women who don't want to get pregnant do...

I am 33 years old (34 in July) and with every passing month I can see the chances of my ever having a baby dwindling away. I love children, I would love and cherish any child that I would have. I would be a wonderful mother (even if I do say so myself). I have so much to share with a child, I want to be able to pass on my special Victoria Sponge Cake recipe to them. I want to make my wonderful (and calorific) fruit and biscuit chocolates for them (hubby loves them). Any child I had would want for nothing, they would have all the love they could ever need. SO why can't I get pregnant (and stay pregnant). Have I done something terrible in my life to deserve this pain and anguish!! What have I done that is so bad!!! I have never taken drugs, have never been arrested, have never harmed anyone and am generally I kind and considerate person, I would do anything for anyone and would give whatever I own to someone if they needed it.

Every month it is the same, I ask myself "will this be the month?" and every month I have the same answer "NO".

If I am honest I can't see IVF/ICSI working, I can't see myself ever having children. I don't think I will ever know what it feels like to have a living being growing inside of me, to feel them kick and move around. I will never smell that beautiful smell of a baby, to hold my baby in my arms, to feel the closeness of breastfeeding, or have the honour of having their unconditional love.

I would do anything to have the honour of being a mother, it is the greatest gift God can give us and for some reason God has decided I do not deserve to be given this special gift.

As I write this I feel barren, empty and don't understand why I was put on this earth. Ever since I was a child myself I have wanted to be a mother, wanted to hold my baby in my arms and to love and protect my child.

I guess it just isn't meant to be!!!

This is going to be a quick post as I am really tired.

Things have been very up and down the past few days and I have slept a lot, but still feel really tired and depressed.

I have nearly completed my knitting order (just need to sew it up) so will post pics of it once I have sewn it up. I completed a little pair of slippers for myself and again will post pics. What else have I been working on... Oh yes my 100% Pure Silk French Knickers, I have completed them and just need to pin and block then out and again will post pics once that is complete. At the moment I am waiting to take pics of them all together so once that is done I will post them.

I lost nearly 4lbs (in weight) this week, so the Atkins Diet is working. Weighed myself this morning and had gained 2lbs but this may be due to the fact that my monthlies still haven't arrived, so I am assuming due to the weight gain that they will start pretty soon.

Went golfing today and it was disastrous, I don't think the fact that it was very cold and windy helped, especially as I wasn't feeling too good.

Tried out my new kitchen gadget, a pineapple corer/peeler/slicer. I must say it is a brilliant piece of kit and actually works, it actually slices it all twirly, so I used my apple slicer to cut into into pineapple chunks, delicious.

Well, that is about it for now as I am off to bed to try and get some sleep, am considering having a quick read of my new spinning book but may leave it until tomorrow night. I will post the pics on my completed projects next time I post.

As you can tell from the title, I have had enough of my marriage. No matter what I do it is not good enough and I am fed up of having the silent treatment for something which is totally out of my control.

The latest is because I am not well, how can I control how I feel?? I woke up with a terrible migraine and period pains (whenever I have period pains a migraine is soon to follow), did I get hugs and kisses off of my hubby, no, what I got was nasty comments and the silent treatment.

This has been ongoing for the past few weeks and now I have had enough. I am feeling crap that I am not pregnant again and really do not need this off of him. He is my husband, he should be looking after me and trying to make me feel better, but oh no, why should I get love and affection, I am only his wife!!

AAAARRRGGGGHHHH!! If I had somewhere to go I would have packed up and left this afternoon, that is how bad it has got.

All this is happening and he expects me to go through IVF, at the moment he has no chance as I have no intentions of going through it when I know the same thing will happen when I get the lousy side effects and I am feeling crap.

What really bugs me is if any member of his family is ill, he makes such a big thing about it.

I thought this venting may make me feel better but it hasn't, I thought it may clarify things for me, but it hasn't. What do I do?? Do I give up on my 11 year marriage or do I try and stick it out???

I really hope hubby reads this as then maybe he will realise how close he is to losing me (for good).

As for now, I guess I will have to keep trying to figure out what I want to do, but for now the IVF is definitely off!!

Why is life never straight forward!! Every month I want my periods to be late, but this month I want it to be on time and what does it do, it is nearly a week late. Not is it just late but I have been getting bad period pains all week.

Today has been a very short day as I have slept through most of it. For some reason I was so tired today, can't think of any particular reason for it, but ended up falling asleep on the couch watching television this afternoon.

The only reason I can think of is that I started "The Atkins Diet" this week. Well I say "The Atkins Diet" but it is really my version of it which is a very low carb diet, basically the only carbs I have is in my cereal in the morning. I have been really good on it all week, but today I was too tired to cook myself the chops I have pulled out so ended up having a salad and eating a whole tub of cherries. The chops will have to wait until tomorrow night.

I haven't really done much since my last posting as I have been quite depressed and my home life has been a bit up and down. For some reason I just can't cheer up, I am hoping it is just the usual PMS and I will feel better next week as I should really be feeling quite positive with my first IVF cycle looming in the near future.

I have decided to postpone my Day 2 blood tests until the cycle after this one which will be the end of June, this will enable me to lose the rest of the weight which I need to lose to be accepted for the IVF on the NHS.

I have been feeling really guilty the past week as I have missed the deadline for the latest knitting order I took on. I really need to get on with it, I just feel so tired and can't concentrate much. Hopefully I will get it completed this weekend, keep your fingers crossed for me!!

I think that is about it for now, I am off to bed for a really early night in the hope that I will feel better in the morning and not so tired and depressed.!!

I am sorry for not posting yesterday letting you all know how I got on at the IVF meeting but have been feeling unwell all week and it has finally come to a head this morning and feel like I have a terrible head cold.

The meeting went well. We got there 6.10pm and went in around 6.25pm. We found the Education Centre easily and was very surprised at the amount of couples which attended. The staff on reception were very polite and seemed very organized and nice.

We spoke to a couple whom live around where we live (they mentioned our local hospital and I mentioned that we were from the same area), they did not appear to be very keen to speak to us so we left it at that.

We were given a large information pack containing forms for blood tests etc and consent forms for the treatment.

After around half an hour we were instructed to go into the seminar room, which we duly did and sat on the third row (we didn't feel brave enough to sit any closer to the front). The staff went through all the procedures from completing the forms to the very end and the 2 week wait (after two weeks we can have a pregnancy test to see whether the treatment was successful or not).

We picked up a couple of useful facts, one of which is that due to the fact we live in Wales we will only be eligible for one free "Fresh" cycle and one free "Frozen" cycle. If we lived in England we would have been eligible for two free "Fresh" cycles and four free "Frozen" cycles. This annoyed me as we have to travel 103 miles over to England to have the treatment and then 103 miles back which in this day and age is costly.

The next step is for hubby to have a SA (semen analysis) and for both of us to have blood tests (mine on day 2-5 and hubby any time). The SA was already pre-arranged for the 6th of June at 8.45am - 9.30am. We did telephone yesterday to try and get a later time as it will take us 2 1/2 hours to get to the hospital so would have to leave at a dreadfully early time of the morning, but it appears that they only do that test between those times. So it looks like a very early morning after all.

I am due to start my monthlies next week and have decided to go for my testing the cycle after as I still need to lose weight to get my BMI to below 29 (and hubby needs to lose some weight also) so it will give me an extra month to lose it. I have decided to start the Atkins again as I know that I will lose the weight relatively quickly as I have done it before and lost over 2 stone on it.

I am rather nervous about starting the treatment, especially the side effects of all the drugs I will have to take. Hubby has not been the most sympathetic about my medical conditions lately and it has stressed me a great deal as I cannot help being unwell and I try and do what I can when I am feeling well. This morning I was feeling very unwell, my head and throat and ears were hurting a great deal so left a note for hubby to pick up some head cold tablets for me whilst he was out and he has been in a mood with all day.

I am worried that if he is like this now, what will he be like if I suffer the extreme side effects from the drugs!!! I am hoping that when he reads this he realises how tough things are on me at the moment (here's hoping anyway as I can't face another day of him hardly speaking to me). It is very upsetting and stressful for me when he is like this as when he is not feeling too good I try and do what I can to make him feel better. I think I am going to have to think seriously about this before I sign the consent forms and agree to undergo IVF as stress and upset would only make the treatment more difficult.

I am fully aware that our infertility affects him as much as me but I always try and make him feel better about things and offer for him to speak about how he is feeling but the offer is never accepted or reciprocated. They mentioned during the seminar that it is vital that couples talk to each other and also listen to each other as it can be very lonely going through all of this if you feel alone.

At the moment I feel like this is the only place I can talk about how I feel without being accused of "having a go" or feeling like I am not being listened to. An example is yesterday, hubby told me he was worried about having the HIV blood test (we both have to have it) and I tried to find out why, he stated that it was because "it was different", I replied that it was just a standard blood test and unless he was worried that he had put himself at risk at some point in his life there was nothing really to be worried about. He replied that he wasn't worried about that just that it was different to what we have had before!! I didn't understand what he was trying to say and we ended up getting grumpy with each other (I still don't understand why he is worried!!).

If there is someone out there reading this that can help me try and understand what he is going through then please message me as I need all the help I can get to try and help him get through this situation. We were told that Infertility Treatment is like being on an emotional rollercoaster, I have felt like this for 11 years (since we found out we were having problems getting pregnant). There is so much going through my mind that I cannot sleep and keep waking up worrying. I really need someone to talk to and am considering going for counselling, I tried to speak to my little sister this evening but she doesn't really understand what I am going through (although she did do her best by sitting and listending and asking relevant questions).

Oh well, I suppose I had better switch the light off again and try and get some sleep as I am worn out and my head and throat are hurting again.

Speak to you all soon!!!

Well, the day has finally arrived, the IVF Information Evening in Liverpool is tonight and I have managed to stress myself out so much I have brought on a Pancreatits attack and a Migraine attack. I had a Migraine all day yesterday and had really hoped that it would have gone by today, but nope it hasn't.

At this moment in time I am tucked up in bed waiting for her painkillers and Migraine tablets to kick in and am stressing out even more now.

Hubby has said that if I am not well then we won't go... but if we don't go then our names will be taken off of the list and no IVF!!!!

I feel like everything is against me and that I will never have a baby of my own!!

I don't know why I am so stressed out as tonight is just an information evening, I guess it is because I know I haven't lost all of the weight that I needed to, I have tried my hardest but it still isn't good enough, nothing I do seems to be good enough!!!

All I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up until I am pregnant, I don't think I am brave enough to go through IVF, the thought of all the drugs and injections is enough to put anyone off, but having to try and cope with them as well as my existing medical conditions feels like too much.

Ohhhhh, what should I do????

I am sitting here all on my own as hubby had to go into work and I know he is in a bad mood with me for stressing myself so much and making myself ill, but I can't help it, I wish I could but I can't!!!

I just want someone to give me a big hug and reassure me that everything will be okay and there is nothing to be worried about.......

I have finally gotten round to sewing up Panel 5 from "The Art of Knitting" and it is looking as good as the other 4. I mentioned to hubby earlier that I hate sewing the squares up and he asked me why I was knitting the squares then!! My answer was that it was free yarn and could not really give any other answer. I have been thinking about it and I think the answer is that I enjoy knitting the squares using all the different techniques and stitch patterns and don't even mind steaming the squares, it is just the sewing up of the squares which I hate. It is not just the sewing of the squares I hate sewing up my knitted pieces for garments as well. I am so slow at it and am never happy with the results so try and avoid it as much as possible. Below is Panel 5.

My new spinning book arrived this morning. It is one of the wonderful "Teach Yourself Visually" series and is called "Handspinning". I haven't had a chance to go through it thoroughly but from what I have seen it is perfect for me. I have purchased a few books on spinning but none of them go into much detail but this book has loads of pictures and easy step by step guides. I must confess I was advised to buy this book from a few friends but never really took much notice, I know now that I should've taken the advice. I will write a full review on it once I have finished the book.

Hubby and I went golfing this afternoon with my father and we had a really good laugh (at ourselves mostly). My game was lousy but my father was quite good, hubby was following me in the rough so can't really say much about that. One thing I will say is that hubby did what I did to him the other day and that was to hit the ball and nearly knock out my father . We are going for another game tomorrow so will let you know how we get on then.

My IVF induction meeting is on Wednesday evening and I am terrified. Despite all my best efforts I have not succeeded in getting my BMI below 29. Everyone I speak to says it is ridiculous that it is expected as I have lost a lot weight and have gone down in clothes size from a 22 to 12/14, it is just that the inches are disappearing rather then the pounds, but that is not good enough for the free go on the NHS. I don't know what to do. I am really hoping that it will be a month or so before I get weighed in Liverpool so that I can try and get my weight down a bit more.

The nurse I see at my surgery seems to think that I am toning up and building up muscle which weighs more than fat hence why the weight is not going down but the inches are. My feelings on the meeting range from not wanting to go through to going and burying my head in the sand in the hope that everything will work out alright.

We have been trying for a baby for nearly 11 years (it will be 11 years on the 19th of July) and apart from hubby having a slightly low sperm count there is no reason why I can't get and stay pregnant. I have had numerous early miscarriages (have not managed to get further than 7 weeks pregnant) and have tried everything ranging from vitamins, aromatherapy, taking smelly herbs, intercourse every other night (that was exhausting), taking Clomid (a fertility pill which makes you produce more than one egg each time you ovulate) and IUI (Inter Uterus Insemination), none of which have worked.

I had really hoped that since I have lost weight it would have helped, but it hasn't. A big part of me feels like I will never stay pregnant and feel the joy of having a little human being in my tummy and then the joy of holding him/her and seeing his/her little fingers and toes. Many people have suggested Adoption. Whereas I am not totally against it, a big part of me wants to experience pregnancy and I am terrified that I would not be able to bond with an adopted child, especially as the child would probably be 3 years old or older as there is a big shortage of babies being up for adoption.

As for now I suppose I should try and get some sleep, it is getting more and more difficult to fall asleep as Wednesday approaches. I am also getting more and more stressed which is bringing on migraine attacks (a very bad attack yesterday which resulted in my being stuck in bed most of the day).

I am sure Wednesday will go okay and I am worrying over nothing.....

Yesterday, despite the heat (31 degrees Celsius), I went golfing with hubby. It wasn't the best idea we've had but we still went. It was roasting and I was well and truly cooked by the time we finished, so much so that I was sunburnt (arms, face and chest) and suffered mild heatstroke (despite having a baseball cap on). We both played pretty dismally. I managed to nearly kill hubby (I hit a golf ball and if he hadn't been ducking down behind my cart I would have hit him in the head ) Hubby managed to lose his ball and then found it under the wheel of his cart . The usual "perv" was there, perving on my boobs (I can't help they are large and my "Ping" t-shirt enhanced them). By the time we got home I felt quite ill and just collapsed on the sofa.

Since the weather was so nice today we decided to go upto Broughton in Chester to try and get me a "skort" (a skirt with a pair of shorts underneath for golfing), I got two pairs, one was pink and one was lilac (both size 12 ), my darling hubby bought me one pair and I got the other as I couldn't decide which pair to buy. We then went to the Greyhound Retail Park and hubby bought a pair of golfing trousers and I bought a couple of really nice golfing t-shirts to go with my new skorts.

We are planning on going golfing again on Saturday and have invited my father and little sister to come with us, so hopefully we will both play better.

Whilst we were at the Retail Park I visited "Hobbycraft" and hubby came with me to supervise (I tend to go mad at the sight of yarn). I was really restrained and only purchased a circular needle ready for the "Goddess Knits Anniversary Mystery Shawl KAL". I have already ordered some lace weight pure silk from Uppingham Yarns so will be all set to start once it get started in June.

On the subject of knitting, my "Romantic Hand Knits" book by "Annie Modesitt" arrived today and I have fallen in love, there are so many lovely things to knit in it.

There is something for everyone (as long as you are female) in it. There are lovely lacy dresses, shawls, hats and everything in between. I would highly recommend you purchasing this book as I have queued several garments from it to knit (once I get the time).

I have not really worked on my "Stitch Diva Bellocq Stockings", but have knitted the back of my french knickers from "Knit Today" and have cast on for the front. I knitted the back quite quickly and the front is going just as quick so hopefully I will be completed by the end of next week (only the camisole to knit then).

This year I have decided against going to the "Bury Machine Knitting Show". The last time I went I was really disappointed and as I am doing more hand knitting than machine knitting we are not going to go. As I haven't been to a Knitting Show in eighteen months hubby has agreed to take me to "Woolfest 2008" in Cumbria on the 28th of June, so am really looking forward to it. I will no doubt be coming home with a boot full of fleece instead of yarn .

Finally I have successfully knitted the front and back of the jumper I was designing and it is the identical size as the original one, so here's hoping it continues knitting up as the same size. I have taken a couple of days break from it as it is hot work machine knitting it in this weather but will have it completed by the end of next week (that is the deadline). I hope my customer will be as happy with it as I am.

Well that is about it for now, I am off to finish reading the "Romantic Hand Knits" book and trying to refrain from sending for the yarn for it as I have enough projects on the go at the moment.

Hope you are all joying the nice weather and remember to use sun cream as that sun is really hot and there is nothing like being sunburnt!!

Today has been a very exhausting day. "Why??" I hear you ask. The reason is that I decided to play on the Wii Fit.

The past few times I have played on it I have had various incorrect weight measurements and BMI measurements. The first made me a stone lighter and BMI was accordingly. It also made my sister and hubby and stone lighter each.

A couple of days ago I went on it and it informed me that I had lost 13lbs on two days!!!! and again the BMI was accordingly.

Today I had had enough and decided to place the Wii Fit Board on the tiled hearth to try and get an accurate measurement, it worked it made me the correct weight and informed me that in an hour I had managed to gain 2 stone.

So now I am going to have to either try and get the extension feet or lay laminate flooring in my lounge (if you knew the size of my lounge you would know how daunting a task it would be and costly). Alternatively I have asked my father if he had some wooden board the same size as the Wii Fit Board to try solve the problem cheaply.

The reason I was exhausted on it was that I decided to try the jogging part of it. I have never jogged in my whole life.

My sister's effort level was recorded as being 42% and hubby's was 40%, after the five minute jogging session (it felt more like five hours)I was exhausted and collapsed in a pile on the floor with my little doggy Dino trying to give me the kiss of life. For my efforts it announced my effort level was 113%, YIPPEE!!!!!!

I immediately texted my sister and she would not believe me and then told hubby who also wouldn't believe me. I have offered my little sis a rematch but she said she was too tired as she had been out clubbing last night.

Once hubby got home from work he immediately got weighed (on the tiled hearth of course!!) and got jogging. His efforts were rewarded with a level of 115%. All we need now is my little sis to come for a rematch.

This evening I spent designing and working out a pattern for a machine knitting order which I was supposed to have started on Tuesday (but I was in bed all week with Pancreatitis so never got started on it). I had forgotten how much fun and frustration it could be.

I will of course post pics of the finished garment.

As for now I am off to sleep ready to beat hubby's score tomorrow.

Over the past week I have been thinking a lot about the box of baby clothes which I had handknitted over 5 years ago.

When we first trying for a baby I got really excited and started knitting cute baby clothes. After a few months I stopped and then everytime I was pretty sure I was pregnant I would start again and then keep them. I finally stopped knitting the baby clothes when I had my third miscarriage and put them away in a box in the attic.

Today I decided to pull them down and list them on Ebay, but I couldn't do it. I took all the pictures and have even gotten as far as choosing the good pictures of each garment and loaded them onto the computer. I still can't do it. I have ended up not listing them, I just can't sell them or give them away (although 5 years ago I did give some away to the premature baby unit at my local hospital).

I have uploaded the pictures of the garments and they are below for you all to see as it is a shame for them to be hidden away in the attic.

I'm not sure where this jumper came from, it is made for a 3/4 year old!!!

As you can see I spent a lot of work on these garments and really wish I could sell/give them away so that some lucky little baby could be kept warm in them, but I can't.

I guess it is because I made them each time I thought I would have someone to put in them, but it has never happened.

Just before my second miscarriage I knitted a christening gown (this is how certain I was at the time) and included a christening shawl (I have used the christening shawl as a throw on the couch).

Below are two pictures of the gown, although the first is a bit dark it shows the lace pattern, but the second picture shows the overall gown.

I guess the garments are destined to go back in their box in the attic as I am not strong enough to get rid of them yet, perhaps I will be one day!!

Yippee!!! I have reached the calf shaping on my Bellocq Stockings and am really impressed with my work so far.

I had to knit 4 repeats of the Vine Pattern for the ankle and am now going to struggle with the calf shaping as it is all in chart format.

Oh before I forget I decided to knit the heel in the vine pattern instead of the cuban heel as it looked nicer.